Sammy

(no subject)

I can feel it, I can sense it. That itch when there is something visible, but NOT visible out of the corner of your eye.

Like you know its there, watching you, waiting for that one second when you lose concentration. 

And then you're dead.

Dean feels it too. I know he does. 

I thought our hunting days were over, but I guess they never really are. 

Not really...

 
Iris

It's over.

So it's over, I guess.  Lucifer is...well he's gone.  No one's sure where or whether he's actually, y'know, dead - even Castiel's not sure.  Maybe he's in that cage, the one in that other universe where - where that other me was locked up too.  I don't know.  I guess we'll never know.

To be honest, I don't care.

Haris is gone, Lucifer is gone.  And my family's still here.  

Does that mean I'm finally free of that dark destiny that seems to have been shadowing me my whole life?  I don't know that either.  I do know I'll always have that something inside of me, that part of the curse.  But it doesn't have to be a curse.  I can still help save people.

I guess that's what we'll do, me and Dean.  When we've regrouped a little.  I want to spend some time with Dad and Bonnie.  And with Sarah.  I want to spend a lot of time with Sarah.  I finally feel as if it's safe for me to be with her, you know?  That I won't blink and she'll be on fire on the ceiling, just because she got too close to me.

For the first time in my life I feel safe.

Maybe me and Dean can still hunt part time.  There's still evil in the world, even if the Nexus seemed to drag back all the demons that came through from those other universes.  Honestly, I don't really know how to do anything else.  And Dean?  Well Dean always has to be a hero, even if he doesn't know he's doing it.  And he's been doing it since he was four years old.

I remember saying once that when we finally killed the Yellow Eyed Demon I'd sleep for a week.  Well I never did get to sleep for a week, but right now?  With Sarah in my arms and Dean and Dad and my friends and family around me?

Yeah, maybe it's time I slept in.
  • Current Music
    Lullaby - Shawn Mullins
Iris

Storm's coming...

So Dean's freaking out.

He's pretending he's not, because he's just oh-so-macho, but I see the way he keeps looking at me out of the corner of his eye like I'm gonna grow a second head any minute.

So we kinda had the same dream.  Big deal.  It's not the weirdest thing that's ever happened to us.

I just wish...  I know he's not gonna go for it.  But I need to go to Wyoming.  I'm sure that's what the dream was trying to tell me.  I need to be there, that place where...where I nearly died.  Where Dean nearly died.  Something--someone--is calling me back and I just know I need to go.  I need to be there.  And if Dean won't come with, then I'll have to go alone.  He can't stop me.  He's not my dad.  And I'm an adult now, for crying out loud.  He can't stop me.  I'm bigger than he is.

Yeah, way to sound mature, Sammy...
  • Current Music
    Crossfire - Brandon Flowers
Iris

Paranoid much?

So I'm stuck in a car heading for Nowheresville, Oklahoma with a brother who might be...  Well he might be possessed.

Yeah, I know, it's stupid, and what evidence do I have to go on?  A stupid DREAM and Dean suddenly being freaked out by holy ground.

God, I am such an idiot.  I know Dean can't be possessed while he's wearing his amulet, yet I'm still watching his every move looking for signs.

Jeez Louise.

Dammit, I think we must have taken a wrong turn and missed the town.  Where the hell is Kemp?  And why won't this stupid iPhone let me load Google Maps?  Oh wait, I guess I need to press that button th
  • Current Music
    Home - Goo Goo Dolls
Iris

Back in the land of the - uh - living.

So it feels like someone's been playing soccer with my head.

And now?  Now Dean decides he wants me to care and share.

Impeccable timing as always, big bro.

So yeah, I know he wants me to talk about what happened at Stull.  And I will.  I will.  But... I need to get all straight in my own head before I can help him get it straight in his.  I know he's worried about me.  Hell, when isn't he worried about me?  But what I did back there?  Even I'm not sure what happened.

Yeah, I could feel Mia's power, just like I have before.  And I reflected it back so I could get us the hell outta there.  But...  I could still feel it.  After she was gone.  After she was Hellpuppy chow.  After I was a couple realities away.  How does that happen?  How do I explain that?  If I'm just a conduit, just a mirror, how did I still have her power after she was dead?

Maybe Dean's right.  Maybe I am some kind of psychic "sponge" that can drain the powers out of other people.  I don't know.  Is that what happened in Fort Worth?  Had I somehow stored some of Nathan's whirlwind-making power in me?

I wish there was someone I could talk to about this.  Someone else who could do this.  But I guess I'm unique.  And most of the other psychic kids are dead now.  As far as I know.

Maybe I'll try calling Gudrun.  She had some idea what was going on with me.  Always supposing they get cell reception in Valhalla...

But for right now?  I'm liking Dad's plan.  Sleep.  And radio silence.

  • Current Music
    Fix You - Coldplay
Iris

Time travel hurts my head

So time travel.  Not that I'm opposed to it's practical application in everyday life.  I mean who wouldn't want to go back and and make sure their big brother didn't run off with their prom date?  But, you know, it really makes absolutely zero sense that time travel could be possible in any universe because it's just so damn impossible!  Or improbable.  Or stupid.  Yeah, stupid.  And now I sound like Dean.

So did Bonnie's enchanted photo album really send us back in time?  Maybe.  I remember the Impala going into Lake Bowman now.  I remember Dean getting his ankle stuck, and being so scared he was going to drown I didn't know what to do.  And I remember the two weird guys who got us out.  And I even remember the really tall, good-looking one was called Sam and his short, bossy, not as built or as handsome big brother was called Dean.  And why didn't I think that was weird at the time?  Oh yeah.  I was eight.

You know, you've never really experienced the utter stupidity of time travel until you've met yourself as a kid.  I mean, I was totally not a stubborn brat.  I wasn't.  But that kid?  What part of, "Get out of the car or your brother's going to drown!" did he not understand?

Jeez, Dean must have had the patience of a saint.

Never thought I'd get to see my graduation again either.  You know, all I really remember clearly about that day is being so pissed off at Dad for telling me I had to go on that stupid hunt in New York that when he finally agreed to let me go to my own graduation I was actually glad he wasn't there.  I mean, he seemed a hell of a lot prouder of Dean for dropping out than he was of me for actually graduating.  Like my staying on in school was such a massive hindrance to him and his crusade.

Wow.  I thought I'd forgiven him all that crap years ago.  Guess not.  Maybe Dean's not the only one holding onto a grudge.

Bonnie was cool.  I would have liked to have known her when Dad first did.  Seems like a nice lady.  Would have been fun to visit her every now and then.  Maybe at school vacations.  Or on Christmas.  Or something.

I got Chris and Amie's e-mail addresses.  Gonna try and keep in touch if I can.  I think Chris is a little scared of Dean.  And Amie so has a crush on him.  Which Dean never even suspected.  His Chick Radar must be getting rusty in his old age.  Every time she looked at him her ears went pink.  Dean's ears used to do that whenever he had to talk to my fourth grade history teacher.  Miss Sanchez.  She was hot though.  For a history teacher.

Okay and now I'm back to sounding like Dean.

Gonna get some shut eye.  Let him drive for a while.  I'm thinking we're gonna be heading back to Lawrence soon...  I promised him we'd get Dad out of Stull and I meant it.
  • Current Music
    Sweet Disposition - The Temper Trap
Iris

Mirror mirror...

So Dad's gone and it's all my fault.

At least, that's the way it feels.

I shouldn't have done it.  I shouldn't have used my power - his power, that freak with my face - to stop Dean trying to get to Dad.  Maybe he could have done it, maybe he could have jumped that chasm.  Maybe...  But no way he could have got back.  Not with Dad.  I'd have lost them both.

Am I being selfish?  Wanting Dean back in the "real world" with me, rather than lost somewhere in there with Dad?  What gives me the right to make that decision for him?  The way I just...reached out.  Just stopped him, just held him still so he couldn't jump...  I've never used my power on Dean before.  How can he trust me after that?

And yet he tells me he trusts me more than anyone on the planet.  And I believe him.  He tells me he believes in me.  And I believe him.  He tells me I'm not evil.  And I want to believe him.   So badly.  I can't be like that other Sam Winchester, the one I killed in the desert yesterday.  I can't.  The Feather says I'm not a monster, that I don't have demon blood in me like he did...but how do I know that for sure?  Is the whole "Winchester Curse" thing just something Dad invented to help me sleep at night, just like that other Sam said?  That doesn't account for the other cursed kids.  I have to believe Dad wouldn't lie to me about something like that.  

And I believe in him.

We have to find him, but I don't know where to start.  How do we open up a gateway to parallel universes, or Hell, or wherever Stull church really leads?  Do we just wait patiently until March 20th, and then hope Dad reappears in our reality?  Will Dean sit still for that?  No way.  No way.  Just like he wanted to jump that chasm to rescue Dad, he's gonna want to do something, no matter how reckless or dangerous or just damn stupid it is.  Because that's Dean.  Stupid and short-sighted, but brave and loyal and selfless to a fault.  He'd die for Dad.  I know he would.  Just like I know he'd die for me.  Just like I know he'd sell his soul for me, like that other Dean did.  He said he saw me die.  And Ellen said he sold his soul.  It doesn't take a genius to work out what went down there.

We need to get out of here, get out of Kansas, go somewhere, anywhere, put some distance between us and the gate.  Go somewhere to regroup, to think, to work out our next move.  We're too emotionally connected to this place, and not just because Dad is still missing and this is the last place we saw him.  This is also the last place we saw Mom.

But I don't think I'm going to be able to get Dean to leave Lawrence.  Not when he feels like we'd be leaving Dad behind.  Again.

He says he doesn't blame me.  He says I'm not a monster.  He says I could never go Darkside.

I want to believe him.  I really do.

  • Current Music
    Fix You - Coldplay
Sammy

We have a lead...


We found a lead on Dad back at Morrow's cabin. It might be thin, but it's all we've got right now. The place is called The Comstock Inn - looks just like the kind of joint Dad would use if he was on a gig.

I know I shouldn't worry that he's not answering his cell, that's just typical, but it bothers me with all the recent hunter deaths, and I know it bothers Dean too, even though he's his usual stubborn self about it. 

And now Dean had to mention Mia.

I'd hoped our paths would never cross again, but deep down I guess I always knew Dean and me aren't that lucky.

But if it is Mia....

I'm not going there, I'm just not. I can't bear the thought of her doing to Dad what she obviously did to Morrow. Just the size of the blood stain back at the cabin was enough to make me queasy.

And what if I have to face her again? What happened back inside that mountain freaked me, I mean, REALLY freaked me - channeling that kind of energy was just...unholy somehow, no matter what Dean says.

I don't want to have to do that again. Not in any fight, not even against Mia.

What if I inadvertantly become the very thing I'm fighting if I use this kind of power for too long? What's that saying, 'absolute power corrupts absolutely?'

Yeah, exactly....   
  • Current Mood
    gloomy gloomy
Iris

Well that was...different...

So.  We have a Cousin.  She's called Daisy.  Is Dean ever gonna run out of Dukes of Hazzard jokes?  Somehow I don't think so.  Oh yeah, she can control earthquakes.  Y'know.  Pretty standard for an archeology student.  She kinda looks a little bit like Dean, which is freaky.  Acts like him too.  Despite that, I kinda like her.  And she makes Zach happy, so that's gotta be worth something.  What are the odds my old college buddy would wind up dating my distant relative?  I can't wrap my head around it.  She's a Claviger.  Just like us.  Can't be the Clavigers that were cursed though, otherwise I'd be doubly cursed, right?  Clavigers and Winchesters?  Hell, that'd pretty much be my luck though, right?

Gudrun's back.  And so is Jon.  He's a reincarnated Einherjar warrior sent by Odin to save the world.  She's a Valkyrie along for the ride.  Whatever works, right?  Explains what happened in Canada a little better.

Dean just used angel parts to blow up some demons.  That was fun.

And oh yeah, I just dropped a mountain on a Conduit between Heaven and Hell and reaped a couple hundred demons.

So just another day at the office for Sam Winchester.

I'm still not sure what happened back there.  One minute I was me, the next I had Gudrun and Daisy in my head with me and all I could think about was saving Dean, Jon and Zach.  I made an earthquake.  With my mind.  I reaped a demon.  With my mind.  This is not normal behavior, right?

I'm just glad Dad wasn't there.  I mean, Dean was freaked to all hell and he's pretty much got a handle on the whole "my kid brother's a psychic freak" thing.  Dad?  Well I don't think he'd have been quite as understanding as Dean was.

And Dean's pretty much as scared as I am right now.

I started today thinking about fairy dust and I'm ending it thinking I might  somehow be involved in the Apocalypse.

I need a beer.  I need a lot of beer.

  • Current Music
    Mykonos - Fleet Foxes
Iris

Going home.

So I'm not sure I can do this.

I thought I could.  When I was on the phone, speaking to Zach.  I mean, it'll be great to see him again - I really miss him and Becky and all our friends from Stanford.  But.  I'm not sure I belong there anymore.  It was another life ago.  I'm not that person anymore.  Half of that person burnt up on a ceiing four years ago and now...  I'm not sure what's left.

And it's not fair that every time I look at Dean I want to blame him for everything.  I know it's not his fault.  He didn't kill Jess, that freak Haris did.  And Haris is dead now, so I should feel...different.  Relieved, I guess.  Happy its over.  And I am.  Happy Haris is dead.  But still... Jess...  And all I remember is Dean dragging me away from her to go find Dad.  Dean dragging me out of that apartment when I should have burnt up with her.  And I'm blaming Dean when I know it's really my fault.  It was me Haris was after.  My fault Jess is gone.  My fault Mom is gone.

Dean's all I've got left, and if I keep blaming him for something he didn't do, then I'm gonna lose him too, aren't I?

God.  I know now why Dean hates Kansas so much.  Because I feel the same way about California.

Home.

And it's gone now.

  • Current Music
    Happiness by The Fray