So Dad's gone and it's all my fault.

At least, that's the way it feels.

I shouldn't have done it.  I shouldn't have used my power - his power, that freak with my face - to stop Dean trying to get to Dad.  Maybe he could have done it, maybe he could have jumped that chasm.  Maybe...  But no way he could have got back.  Not with Dad.  I'd have lost them both.

Am I being selfish?  Wanting Dean back in the "real world" with me, rather than lost somewhere in there with Dad?  What gives me the right to make that decision for him?  The way I just...reached out.  Just stopped him, just held him still so he couldn't jump...  I've never used my power on Dean before.  How can he trust me after that?

And yet he tells me he trusts me more than anyone on the planet.  And I believe him.  He tells me he believes in me.  And I believe him.  He tells me I'm not evil.  And I want to believe him.   So badly.  I can't be like that other Sam Winchester, the one I killed in the desert yesterday.  I can't.  The Feather says I'm not a monster, that I don't have demon blood in me like he did...but how do I know that for sure?  Is the whole "Winchester Curse" thing just something Dad invented to help me sleep at night, just like that other Sam said?  That doesn't account for the other cursed kids.  I have to believe Dad wouldn't lie to me about something like that.  

And I believe in him.

We have to find him, but I don't know where to start.  How do we open up a gateway to parallel universes, or Hell, or wherever Stull church really leads?  Do we just wait patiently until March 20th, and then hope Dad reappears in our reality?  Will Dean sit still for that?  No way.  No way.  Just like he wanted to jump that chasm to rescue Dad, he's gonna want to do something, no matter how reckless or dangerous or just damn stupid it is.  Because that's Dean.  Stupid and short-sighted, but brave and loyal and selfless to a fault.  He'd die for Dad.  I know he would.  Just like I know he'd die for me.  Just like I know he'd sell his soul for me, like that other Dean did.  He said he saw me die.  And Ellen said he sold his soul.  It doesn't take a genius to work out what went down there.

We need to get out of here, get out of Kansas, go somewhere, anywhere, put some distance between us and the gate.  Go somewhere to regroup, to think, to work out our next move.  We're too emotionally connected to this place, and not just because Dad is still missing and this is the last place we saw him.  This is also the last place we saw Mom.

But I don't think I'm going to be able to get Dean to leave Lawrence.  Not when he feels like we'd be leaving Dad behind.  Again.

He says he doesn't blame me.  He says I'm not a monster.  He says I could never go Darkside.

I want to believe him.  I really do.

We found a lead on Dad back at Morrow's cabin. It might be thin, but it's all we've got right now. The place is called The Comstock Inn - looks just like the kind of joint Dad would use if he was on a gig.

I know I shouldn't worry that he's not answering his cell, that's just typical, but it bothers me with all the recent hunter deaths, and I know it bothers Dean too, even though he's his usual stubborn self about it. 

And now Dean had to mention Mia.

I'd hoped our paths would never cross again, but deep down I guess I always knew Dean and me aren't that lucky.

But if it is Mia....

I'm not going there, I'm just not. I can't bear the thought of her doing to Dad what she obviously did to Morrow. Just the size of the blood stain back at the cabin was enough to make me queasy.

And what if I have to face her again? What happened back inside that mountain freaked me, I mean, REALLY freaked me - channeling that kind of energy was just...unholy somehow, no matter what Dean says.

I don't want to have to do that again. Not in any fight, not even against Mia.

What if I inadvertantly become the very thing I'm fighting if I use this kind of power for too long? What's that saying, 'absolute power corrupts absolutely?'

Yeah, exactly....   

So.  We have a Cousin.  She's called Daisy.  Is Dean ever gonna run out of Dukes of Hazzard jokes?  Somehow I don't think so.  Oh yeah, she can control earthquakes.  Y'know.  Pretty standard for an archeology student.  She kinda looks a little bit like Dean, which is freaky.  Acts like him too.  Despite that, I kinda like her.  And she makes Zach happy, so that's gotta be worth something.  What are the odds my old college buddy would wind up dating my distant relative?  I can't wrap my head around it.  She's a Claviger.  Just like us.  Can't be the Clavigers that were cursed though, otherwise I'd be doubly cursed, right?  Clavigers and Winchesters?  Hell, that'd pretty much be my luck though, right?

Gudrun's back.  And so is Jon.  He's a reincarnated Einherjar warrior sent by Odin to save the world.  She's a Valkyrie along for the ride.  Whatever works, right?  Explains what happened in Canada a little better.

Dean just used angel parts to blow up some demons.  That was fun.

And oh yeah, I just dropped a mountain on a Conduit between Heaven and Hell and reaped a couple hundred demons.

So just another day at the office for Sam Winchester.

I'm still not sure what happened back there.  One minute I was me, the next I had Gudrun and Daisy in my head with me and all I could think about was saving Dean, Jon and Zach.  I made an earthquake.  With my mind.  I reaped a demon.  With my mind.  This is not normal behavior, right?

I'm just glad Dad wasn't there.  I mean, Dean was freaked to all hell and he's pretty much got a handle on the whole "my kid brother's a psychic freak" thing.  Dad?  Well I don't think he'd have been quite as understanding as Dean was.

And Dean's pretty much as scared as I am right now.

I started today thinking about fairy dust and I'm ending it thinking I might  somehow be involved in the Apocalypse.

I need a beer.  I need a lot of beer.

So I'm not sure I can do this.

I thought I could.  When I was on the phone, speaking to Zach.  I mean, it'll be great to see him again - I really miss him and Becky and all our friends from Stanford.  But.  I'm not sure I belong there anymore.  It was another life ago.  I'm not that person anymore.  Half of that person burnt up on a ceiing four years ago and now...  I'm not sure what's left.

And it's not fair that every time I look at Dean I want to blame him for everything.  I know it's not his fault.  He didn't kill Jess, that freak Haris did.  And Haris is dead now, so I should feel...different.  Relieved, I guess.  Happy its over.  And I am.  Happy Haris is dead.  But still... Jess...  And all I remember is Dean dragging me away from her to go find Dad.  Dean dragging me out of that apartment when I should have burnt up with her.  And I'm blaming Dean when I know it's really my fault.  It was me Haris was after.  My fault Jess is gone.  My fault Mom is gone.

Dean's all I've got left, and if I keep blaming him for something he didn't do, then I'm gonna lose him too, aren't I?

God.  I know now why Dean hates Kansas so much.  Because I feel the same way about California.

Home.

And it's gone now.

I told Dean it was a virus!  But did he listen to me?  No, he had to go off having his version of a panic attack - which as usual in Dean World translates into Random Threats of Violence - this time against a coven of witches.

Still.  Yeah, I was worried about Dad too, I'll admit it.  It's pretty scary growing up with only one parent - especially when that one parent thinks it's his business to face down every evil thing creeping across the face of the planet.  When we were kids...  Well I know it was hard on Dean.  Sometimes he'd just get this look, you know?  Like he was trying so hard not to let on how freaked out he was, and that only made him look even more freaked out.  Of course he had a plan.  Never really talked to me about it until - I guess I was nine or ten.  Some time after Mrs. Vasilyeva anyway.  I think that's what made him decide he needed one.  A plan that is.  I used to watch him at night - when he thought I was asleep.  Used to turn on the flashlight and pore over Dad's map book for hours - memorized every freeway, highway, every road bigger than a dirt track - every route to Blue Earth and South Dakota from every place we ever stayed in.  And he could drive by the time he was thirteen, knew how to hotwire a car by the time he was ten.  I know he'd have gotten us there.  "No more foster homes," he told me once, when Dad had been gone two weeks longer than he'd said he would be.  "Not ever again."

I only really remember Mrs. Vasilyeva, but I know we wound up in some group home somewhere before that.  Guess I'd have been six maybe.  Dad busted us out.  Don't really remember it, only know what Dean's told me.  And he doesn't talk about that kind of stuff much.  All I really remember from '92 is that woman's teeth and how I felt when I thought Dean had taken off without me.  Didn't have the first clue what to do.  Dean was always the one with the plan.  Sometimes when Dad had been gone for days at a time, I remember waking up in the middle of the night and checking Dean was still breathing.  I guess I was scared of being left on my own back then.  God, he'd have called me a little pantywaist if he'd ever caught me!  Come to think of it, he still calls me a little pantywaist...

Still, if I'd remembered anything at all about the Shtriga when we bumped into Mrs. Vasilyeva, I think I'd have been a helluva lot more freaked out than I was.  And I was pretty damned freaked out at the time.

Never did find out what happened to all of the other kids.  I remember Flora's grandparents coming to pick her up from the hospital.  And all the other parents woke up, so I guess everyone was okay.  I know that little girl who Dean managed to get talking - April? - Damnedest thing.  I bumped into her at Stanford - she was studying medicine.  I guess she's a doctor by now.

Anyway, it's over now and we're adults.  Well that's what they tell me.  Not so sure about Dean sometimes...  But at least we don't scare quite as easy. 

Speaking of which, Missouri's here!  She's not threatened Dean with any kitchen utensils yet, but it's only a matter of time.  Dean's been plotting his revenge for her making him clean up Jenny's kitchen back in Lawrence, I'm sure of it.  Even though he pretty much adores her.  Pretends not to, of course, but if I can see it, then I'm pretty damn sure Missouri can!

Okay I better go check how many dead mosquitos my oh-so-grown-up big brother has collected to hide in Dad's bed tonight...  Kids.

So I convinced Dean to come check out these strange murders, and yeah- I knew from the minute I read the report on Kelli Mattingly that she, like me, had been a pre-law student at the university here.

But contrary to what Dean thinks- it had nothing to do with why I brought us here. I mean sure... the similarities between us are there- but honestly, I'm not saying that just because it looks like some demon may have made her go crazy and kill a bunch of other students, and herself, that it has anything to do with what happened to me.

And yeah, I'll admit that being back on a big campus brought back some memories, good ones and bad ones... God, I miss Jess! And I wont deny that its soooooo tempting to just wanna  walk away from this life and never look back ( I did it before didnt I?).

Dean doesnt get it, he thinks my only focus on this hunt is because of the similarities, the chance to hang out at the uni - but he's not the one standing above his brother, digging friggin' buckshot out of his back. I know Dean thinks that nothing can compare to a hunter's life, after all- thats all he's ever known. But doesnt he get that maybe sometimes it would be nice not to live out of a duffle and a trunk, to eat a meal made in your own kitchen and to sleep in a bed that had only ever been slept in by you and not every other hooker and door to door salesman in the lower forty-eight?

Do I miss school? Not so much anymore. That's a life that's dead and gone for me. There's no going back, I know that now.

But damn- it doesnt mean that I enjoy this life a whole lot either.

Well that was exciting.  If nothing else, I met a genuine superstar tonight...  Yeah okay, he was just some guy off some crappy TV show on that crappy green network nobody watches but hey - we all gotta start somewhere right?  I actually thought Dean might be a little starstruck - y'know I've caught him watching shows like that before.  Not that he'd admit it of course...  Quickly finds another channel running a documentary on sharks or guns or blowing stuff up and gets all butch and manly on me.

Jeez, I wish there was a TV in the snack car to keep him occupied.  He's driving me crazy.  A bored Dean is an annoying Dean - sometimes it's like trying to keep a toddler amused.

Still, if we carry on at this rate of detection, the body count's gonna start rising pretty soon and then neither of us will get time to be bored...

Think I'm gonna go find Warwick.  There's only so much laptop time I can stand in one night.

Well- its good to know that my laptop is still working after finding it on the floor of our ransacked motel room. God knows this thing takes the abuse- but I try to take good care of it... after all - it's our connection to the information highway- not to mention that Dean is usually less than pleased when we have to spend any of his "hard-earned" winnings on computer stuff. 

But really- thats not the point here tonight. I can tell by the look on Dean's face that he's worried - or maybe at the very least- he's being guarded. And who can blame him really... I mean- there's no way that Anderson could have crawled away with those wounds and then managed to come back to the motel and toss our room looking for that damned dagger. 

But if it wasnt him... then who???? 

So yeah- I guess I get why Dean's freaked a little- I 'spose I am too. 

And then there's the whole deal with Bryan Castor... killing his own father- killing all those Guardian's  - the guy was definately messed up and in a way that makes demons almost seem normal.

Dean's worried that somehow he'll end up like Anderson or Castor- but there's no way. If there's one thing I know for sure- its that my brother will NEVER willingly become as dark and evil and misguided as those two. He cares too much...( even if he'd never admit it) to ever let his own needs and desires come before anything or anyone else...

and that's what scares ME the most... knowing how far and how much he'll sacrifice for others...

Can there be anything worse than being trapped in a motel room with Dean? I mean really... I love my brother but its like dealing with a hyperactive toddler that just ate a giant Twizzle Stick... and did I mention how juvenile he can be?

Its bad enough that we arent getting anywhere on this case and to top it all off, the friggin town is about to be flooded. But does my big brother seem to care? Of course not. I swear- I think he'd actually put on a mask and flippers and head out to that cemetary now  - if we had any clue who the hell the spirit is that's causing all the problems. 

So instead, he's sitting here channel surfing - rapid fire channel surfing. 

Oh god... he's found Beavis and Butthead reruns..

Where's a good lightning strike when you need one??? Maybe one just strong enough to knock out the cable or something????

I wish to hell he'd take a look at the Weather Channel... maybe then I can convince him that we need to get out of here before his beloved Impala needs a raft... 

I’m so glad to get out of that hospital. Between Dad and the doctors looking at me like I’m a cross between some sideshow freak and the Second Coming I really thought I was going to go insane. It was only a matter of time until the medical staff “introduced” me to some cigarette-smoking guy from the government who wanted to lock me in a padded cell three hundred feet below Area 51 or something.